Stop Complaining!

Do you complain too much? If you do, you might try reading A Complaint Free World by Will Bowen. Will Bowen is a minister in Kansas City, Missouri. One day he told his congregation he would like to make the world a complaint free zone. He handed out purple bracelets to the congregation. His idea was for everyone to start to be aware of their complaining. When they made a complaint, they were to switch their bracelet from one wrist to the other. The objective was to not complain for 21 consecutive days. After that time it was judged that they would have developed the habit of not complaining.
Less than a year after that sermon, Bowen has distributed more than six million purple bracelets. He relates in his book how some people have stopped complaining and as a result begun to live happier, healthier lives.
It all sounds too good to be true. There are so many bad things happening today that it’s inevitable that we complain, you might say. When someone does something stupid then it’s inevitable that you complain about his or her behavior. The purpose of the complaint is to let that person know he’s done something wrong, set him straight and in so doing make the world a better place. The problem is that complaining often doesn’t solve the problem.
First of all, a definition according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a complaint is an expression of grief, pain or discontent. There is a crucial distinction between simply stating the facts and complaining. To quote Eckhart Tolle:
“Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behaviour. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up¾if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. “How dare you serve me cold soup…? “ That’s complaining.”
The problem here is that people don’t always agree on what the facts are. And who doesn’t know people who can simply state the “facts” in such a tone of voice that everyone knows they’re complaining? “That dog is barking very loudly, and it’s annoying to me.” That may well be a simple statement of facts, but wouldn’t it sound rather like a complaint if expressed in a negative tone of voice? In fact a simple statement of facts can be a complaint when it is an expression of grief, pain or discontent.
So is Bowen saying we shouldn’t express grief, pain or discontent anymore? Isn’t it fun to complain, make negative comments about people and generally feel superior to others by describing their faults? Isn’t that a way to feel good about ourselves? Bowen mentions the Monty Python skit where a group of elderly Englishmen describe their hardships:
“House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.”
The descriptions continued, from living in a corridor to living in a hole in the ground. The point is that can be fun to listen to people complaining. But it’s no fun if we complain and as a result just generate negative vibrations. And to complain about the complaints of others, a not unusual occurrence can result in a storm of negative vibrations. One of Bowen’s devotees has this problem:
“I was doing very well with becoming complaint free. I had strung a series of days together and could tell it was changing my life. My husband insisted that I stop. He said I was simply not as much fun to be around. I guess he thinks complaining is fun and I wouldn’t join in with him and his griping anymore. This makes me sad.”
Now this woman had made both herself and her husband unhappy. It is clear that you have to be careful when making life-changing behaviours. Expressing grief, pain and discontent isn’t bad per se. It’s only bad when it makes you feel bad, and makes others feel bad, without solving any problems.
I didn’t contact Will Bowen and ask for my purple bracelet. I wore an old red rubber band on my wrist for a couple of days. Every time I made a complaint I switched the band to the other wrist. The first day I made a few complaints, but mostly I felt inspired. Here was a way I could improve my life! It was the same mental high I felt on a number of occasions after reading a self-help book. I noticed that complaining is very common. It’s a bad habit with some people. And there are a lot of things to complain about: politicians, the continuing economic meltdown, impending global warming, dog barking, the showing of stupid TV ads, aches and pains, dangerous drivers, the weather. The list goes on.
After a couple of days of barely complaining I was elated. I knew it couldn’t last. You just don’t stay elated forever. You need change, and the only way to change is to start complaining again. But here’s something that stays with you: the awareness that most of us are so immersed in complaints, both our own and those of others, that we take our culture of complaint for granted, as a natural state of affairs. We are usually unconscious of this state of affairs. Becoming conscious of complaints is liberating. We don’t have to point out every error that our family members make, discuss every stupidity heard on TV, correct every mistaken idea our associates hold, or even broadcast every ache and pain our body inflicts on us. We can state facts and try to improve things without showing discontent. And we can agree with Will Bowen that if we complain less we will enjoy life more.